It’s January 1, 2022 and so far it is a year without a Catholic abuse story in the news. Granted, the year is less than 24 hours old but, hey, having no bad news is good news!
I wish everybody a Blessed year. Be kind to yourself and others.
How do I process my grief?
Does suffering have any meaning?
Do we live in a random chaotic universe?
Is it time to re-evaluate my understanding of “God”?
This book is for anyone who has suffered a loss – of safety, of one’s home, of health, of a loved one or a relationship, or of one’s faith … and found themselves asking, “Why?” And then wondering, “Who am I asking?” and hoping they were not alone.
Over the past few years I have used the opportunity offered by this blog to reflect on many aspects of my healing from sexual abuse by Catholic priests.
I have a new book coming out that tells the story of my healing journey and my journey through grief and loss if you are interested in my full story.
John’s passage describing his “revelation” succinctly explains the perspective of the Church and the reason why things have been so slow to change.
Click here to read: “I Was Once a Victim,” by John Salveson, class of ’77, ’78 M.A., Notre Dame Magazine, Summer 2013
Excerpt:
Slowly, eventually, I figured out the reason for the lack of progress within the Church. It really was simple. I had long believed the Roman Catholic Church considered the child sex-abuse crisis to be a moral issue. So I expected clergy to care about the victims and to do the right thing.
But the simple truth I had learned over time was this: Much of the Catholic leadership does not view this as a moral issue. They view it as a risk-management issue. The focus is on managing settlements, keeping the topic out of the media, telling the faithful everything is taken care of and, most of all, doing everything humanly possible to ensure none of these cases ever make it into a court of law.
The Shadow Self
There is nothing outside of me to be afraid of any more – it is inside of me.
But if it is inside me –
I can control it. If it is inside me –
I can repair it. If it is inside me –
I can console it!
I can be safe
I can create safe
I can live safe
I can!
“Thrive”
Been fighting things that I can’t see
Like voices coming from the inside of me and
Like doing things I find hard to believe in
Am I myself or am I dreaming?
I’ve been awake for an hour or so
Checking for a pulse but I just don’t know
Am I a man when I feel like a ghost?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
No, I’m not alright
I know that I’m not right
A steering wheel don’t mean you can drive
A warm body don’t mean I’m alive
No, I’m not alright
I know that I’m not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I come alive when I hear you singing
But lately I haven’t been hearing a thing and
I get the feeling that I’m in between
A machine and a man who only looks like me
I try and hide it and not let it show
But deep down inside me I just don’t know
Am I a man when I feel like a hoax?
The stranger in the mirror is wearing my clothes
No, I’m not alright
I know that I’m not right
A steering wheel don’t mean you can drive
A warm body don’t mean I’m alive
No, I’m not alright
I know that I’m not right
Feel like I travel but I never arrive
I wanna thrive not just survive
I’m always close, but I’m never enough
I’m always in line, but I’m never in love
I get so down, but I won’t give up
I get so down, but I won’t give up
I get so down, but I won’t give up
Been fighting things that I can’t see
Like voices coming from the inside of me …
Someone posted a letter on-line today with news of the death of a Benedictine monk – his abuser. The death may have brought “closure” for his abuser, he reflected, but not for him. Over the years he had planned then rejected both murder and suicide, but now he expressed sadness — for victims, but also for his abuser who, he realizes, must have been a troubled and twisted individual. The writer ended the letter with a blessing for his abuser! I was shocked. To have moved from considering murder, not so many years ago, to offering a blessing was incredible, I hesitate to use the word but — miraculous.
In his words:
“Today I visited Montserrat Abbey, the oldest Benedictine monastery in existence. I went into the Church. I don’t know God’s plan for me, I don’t know God’s plan for Fr. Roger, but in my own simple way, I said – And May God bless him.”
C Michael Coode (SNAP Tennessee)
Here was a victim who had retained his faith in God and was now dedicated to advocating for and supporting other victims through the National Survivor Advocates Coalition (NSAC) and through leadership in his local branch of Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests and religious (SNAP). He had maintained his faith in God despite the overwhelming proof of negligence, deceit, and denial by the Catholic Bishops. He could still enter a monastery and not run out shaking and crying. He could still pray to a God he believes has a Plan.
I know one thing with absolute certainty: If there is a God and if there is a Plan it doesn’t involve abuse of children. What makes most sense to me is that God’s plan — call it “the best of all possible worlds” — is thwarted every time someone chooses to reject God in favor of doing evil. And so God has to adjust the plan. My heart tells me that in responding to evil with a blessing Michael has more than lived up to what God would hope for. There is NOTHING more powerful and more loving and healing in the world than responding to evil with goodness, offering a blessing instead of creating more suffering — by hurting oneself or others.
So, I responded to his post and offered Michael a blessing:
May you be blessed and comforted, may the light of Goodness shine upon you and bring you peace, and may you be filled with the healing power of Grace. You are my hero today.
To read the letter in its entirety you can go here:
http://nationalsurvivoradvocatescoalition.wordpress.com/___-8/
The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely, or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quite alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature. As long as this exists, and it certainly always will, I know that then there will always be comfort for every sorrow, whatever the circumstances may be.
Anne Frank
This poignant, optimistic comment was written by a young Jewish women who spent two years hiding in an attic unable to enjoy the world of nature she describes. It is good to be reminded of the things we take for granted: nature, beauty. Even if we are not sure of God, nature is always there to show us the cycle of life and death and life that is enacted every year. Some days that is enough.
Conceived in poverty
raised in a working man’s home
taught a trade
Catching his dream only to have it stolen
doing the bidding of a father
so much more to give
duty bound
Did he fulfill one father’s demands
or watch it all turn to sand and flow
between his fingers
desperately grasping
Will death be a comfort to this
one mother’s son
or will he cry out in pain
recognising his betrayer as he gasps
Will he stare at the horizon
willing the sun to hold back from setting
begging for one more moment one more breath
preferring the pain to oblivion
And will he surrender at last and breathe
It is done as tears fall on his cooling cheeks
and jackals gather to gnaw on his bones
Oh that in death he could meet
one loving father’s embrace
and hear
you did well, son,
you did well.
This poem began as a poem about my dad, and then became a poem about Jesus, too. Or the other way around. I’m not sure now. It just took shape around 3.15 am.
I have a new project, “Finding Healing in Broken Places.” I am going to try and pull together some journal reflections on religious faith and the pursuit of healing after suffering trauma and abuse. I want it to be hopeful and I want it to address the issues of healing from trauma and loss in a broader sense than just sexual abuse. So I think my energy will move there. I will leave these reflections on-line and I hope they will continue to be of some use. Thanks.
From Hurt to Healing 