It’s January 1, 2022 and so far it is a year without a Catholic abuse story in the news. Granted, the year is less than 24 hours old but, hey, having no bad news is good news!
I wish everybody a Blessed year. Be kind to yourself and others.
“Religion is for people who are scared of going to hell; spirituality is for people who have already been there.”
A number of people are given credit for this quote on-line including Vine Deloria, a Sioux Indian author and activist, and singers David Bowie and Bonnie Raitt.
Following the logic of this quote, Catholic abuse survivors have been hurt by religion but may benefit from spirituality. There are lots of spiritual paths or practices available. In general I find meditation and mindfulness (which often go hand in hand), and Buddhist philosophy in the teachings of Pema Chodrin and the Dalai Lama to be very enriching.
https://pemachodronfoundation.org/
How a Pittsfield parishioner exposed a molester, 25 years before another survivor reported her clergy abuse
I’m traveling to the Berkshires for my son’s wedding next week. So I was researching the area and it’s weather. What I read in the Berkshire newspapers was a report of a clergy abuse investigation. Two quotes are below.
“The task force was initially led by retired Judge Daniel A. Ford of Pittsfield. He stepped down in early June citing a perceived conflict of interest over his role, due to his work with the law firm Egan Flanagan & Cohen, which has long represented the diocese, including on clergy abuse legal matters.” https://www.berkshireeagle.com/news/local/task-force-handling-clergy-abuse-reports-springfield-diocese/article_d9df995e-0ff6-11ec-93e2-3b2786c13351.html
“The report found that, prior to a June 2019 leadership change at the Office of Safe Environment and Victim Assistance (OSEVA), internal investigations were not conducted in accordance with best practices. Now, “four highly qualified professionals” run that process and report their findings to the review board.” https://www.gazettenet.com/Diocesan-sexual-abuse-task-force-issues-final-report-42373609
Conflicts of interest, failure to follow National Guidelines, pedophile bishops covering for pedophile priests.
I keep thinking things are getting better. I keep thinking that perhaps the church can actually grow and change. Then I remind myself of what happened in 2002 and the denial, obfuscation, deceit, and duplicity that followed. And I let go of my naive hope once again. And it hurts once again.
I don’t think it will ever stop hurting. But I can heal, even if the Catholic Church refuses to.
I have moved on from the Catholic Church. I no longer consider myself a member. I no longer attend services except for weddings and funerals – Covid has given me a reason to refuse communion without offending family or friends. But yesterday when I was having a cranial sacral massage ( light touch, fully clothed) I started talking about teaching religion in the Catholic school system and how I was proud of my accomplishments, and my massage therapist commented that as I got animated about teaching my neck muscles relaxed! And I realised that I do miss it.
I taught theology classes with an investigative approach not a dogmatic or doctrinal one. I approached scripture from an historical critical standpoint. Who wrote what, when, and where, and to whom. I compared and contrasted the Gospels and traced the development of christology. On the senior level I developed my own course integrating introductory philosophy and classical theology under themes like: Truth, God, Suffering, Evil. I did a good job, and I don’t say that easily. At least it was a good job in my estimation and that of my colleagues and even some students and their parents. But I didn’t teach about Eucharistic miracles or Marian apparitions, so in the opinion of the more conservative parents I wasn’t Catholic enough. And then there was the fact that when I talked about the Reformation I sided with Martin Luther! I mean, how could you not!? Leo was a hedonistic, unordained aristocrat who was made an abbot at 8 (so his family could collect income from the abbey properties) and a Cardinal at 13. But he was not actually ordained a priest until he was elected pope at age 38, thanks to the political and financial power of his family.
https://www.britannica.com/biography/Leo-X
But I digress. The Archdiocese of New Orleans, in their infinite wisdom, decided on the high school curriculum. My course was to be replaced by Church History. Moreover, the history text they selected for Church History was written thematically around the nature of the church (Ecclesiology) and not its historical development or behavior. The text didn’t have a chapter on the Reformation, and certainly not any reference to corruption in the papacy. How could you teach Church History without a significant piece on the Reformation and Counter-Reformation? Not to mention the Muslim holocaust known as the Crusades.
So, combine that development with the revelations in the church about bishops continuing to lie and protect their fellow child-abusing bishop friends and the writing was writ large on the wall. It was time to leave Catholic education and the Catholic Church. And I was broken-hearted about both.
I remain completely untrusting of the Catholic Church but I miss education. Maybe it’s time to put my course into a book.
National Review Board Urges Need to Broaden the Scope of the Charter to Include Bishops; Lay Panel Urges Reform to Improve Transparency and Enhance Accountability
November 13, 2018
BALTIMORE—On Tuesday, November 13, the head of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops’ independent lay advisory panel on the protection of children and young people delivered a special report to the body of U.S. bishops regarding the abuse crisis in the Church. In an address to the bishops who have gathered in Baltimore for the annual fall general assembly, National Review Board Chairman Francesco Cesareo, Ph.D., outlined key reforms and urged action. The report calls for broadening the scope of the Charter on the Protection of Children and Young People to include bishops; the publication of complete lists of credibly accused clergy in all dioceses; improving the audit process; and enhancing accountability for bishops regarding cases of abuse.
My thoughts:
Men in black, together.
Do they talk about me
and lick their fingers and touch themselves?
Waiting to get me alone.
Waiting for my daddy
to bring me,
a little lamb
to the slaughter.
There’s a shadow man
he lives in the shadows
appears; disappears
you don’t know where he is
then suddenly, silently, he’s there
and pulls you in.
You can’t get out
like in a nightmare when you try to wake up
you try really hard
but you can’t.
And no one comes to save you
because they haven’t noticed you’re gone.
No one misses you
you just disappear.
And when they think they see you
it’s not you at all
because you are gone and only a shadow remains.
I am being so triggered by the Philadelphia revelations.
Nightmares. Hyper-vigilance. Tremors. Dissociation. Intensified startle reflex. Insomnia. Anxiety. Irrational fears.
Not fun.
I write Letters to the Editor; I journal; I read newspapers, then wish I hadn’t. It feels strong to respond and challenge people, but it makes me more paranoid about the Church sending priests in black cars to “come and get me,” to kill me for telling their secrets.
I keep telling myself, “I am safe. I am safe.” But then I journal and don’t feel safe any more.
There once was a sheep farmer with a very large flock. So large he had to use lots of sheepdogs. His sheepdogs were trained to guard his sheep, guide them in for branding and shearing, and protect them and their offspring from predators – especially wolves. The sheep had come to love and trust the farmer, and because of that they accepted the role of the sheepdogs and came to love and trust them also.
Yet, as hard as the farmer and his dogs tried to protect them, every month there was always one or two lambs found with their throats torn out, their mothers bleating noisily at their side, trying to lick away the blood and make their babies whole again.
One spring the farmer had a visitor who wanted to evaluate his farming methods. The visitor’s name was Tom. Tom spent days and nights watching, taking notes, compiling his report. When he was done Tom presented his report to the farmer. Tom had concluded that the lambs were not being killed by wolves at all, they were secretly being killed by sheepdogs. Well, the farmer got angry when he read this and just tore up the report. “That’s nonsense!” said the farmer, “I know my dogs; I trained them well. They wouldn’t hurt a lamb. Never!”
In his report Tom also revealed that the farmer had not only known these facts to be true but also had previously sold to other sheep farmers any sheepdog he found with evidence of bloodshed on his muzzle. And furthermore he had done so without revealing to the new farmer the danger the sheepdog posed.
The farmer sent a letter to Tom’s boss and Tom was fired.
Besides revealing the covert behavior of the sheepdogs, Tom also reported that after each lamb was found slaughtered by the “wolves” the carcass was cut up and the bones were fed to the sheepdogs, whose blood lust was thereby further aroused.
Why do they have to wear these long robes, the men in black? Why now, after decades without, are the young ones, the new priests, reverting to these garments? Does it give them a sense of greater dignity, greater separation from regular folks? Is the collar not enough these days?
I wish that they’d stop. I wish they’d just wear a suit. Would they stop if they knew? If they knew that was how he dressed, that was where he kept it, his secret that I had to kiss, soft and salty, peeking out from his black dress that smelled of smoke and drinking and something else I smell in my nightmares.
From Hurt to Healing 